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Tag Archives: parody

He is the Very Model of a Modern Consigliere General

29 Wednesday Jul 2020

Posted by petersironwood in America, apocalypse, COVID-19, politics, story, Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

America, Barr, BLM, Corruption, COVID-19, Democracy, Election, pandemic, parody, politics, racism, satire, treason, USA

{Satirical Impressions from the Consigliere General House hearing on July 28th, 2020.}  

Gym “I see no child abuse” Jordan: “Let the man answer the question! You brought him here to hear his answers. Let him answer!”

usa flag waving on white metal pole

Photo by Element5 Digital on Pexels.com

House Member Who Still Believes In a Democratic Process: “OK, I will ask you again. Did you or did you not discuss with the President where you would deploy storm troopers to suppress the vote in blue states?” 

Bilious Barr: “Hmm. Discuss. Discuss. Well, I’m not sure what you mean by ‘discuss’ — there are many kinds of discussions. I don’t think discussing things is a crime. Not in my book. It’s a free country. A country is larger than a state but smaller than a continent. But still a lot bigger than a city. Well. Typically. You see, the Vatican is actually, in many ways, a country. But it is inside the city of Rome. Which is inside the country of Italy. Which is inside the continent of Europe. What was the question again? I know I’ve forgotten and hopefully so has most of the TV audience.” 

Member Who Still Believes In a Democratic Process: “Did you discuss with the President where you would deploy storm troopers to suppress the vote in blue states.” 

Bilious Barr: “Hmm. Is your time up yet? No? Ok, well, in that case, let’s discuss the word discuss. Or did you say ‘debate’? Because ‘discuss’ and ‘debate’ are similar but different.” 

Member Who Still Believes In a Democratic Process: “I reclaim my time. I ask you a simple question. Yes. Or no. Did you — or did you not discuss with President Trump the deployment of troops to suppress the vote.”

Bilious Barr: “I will not reveal the details of my discussions with the President. I might accidentally reveal important — you know — it could compromise the security of the country. Excuse me. Can I have a five minute break? I really am having trouble keeping a straight face here. Just let me go laugh for five minutes in the rest room and I can come back out here and lie and obfuscate a bit more. And — you know — keep up the “sincerely trying to help” face. 

Jerry Nadler: “We’re almost done. You need a break right now?” 

Bilious Barr: “Well. Yes. It will seem unseemly to laugh about national security but Jesus H. Christ, you’ve got a traitor in the White House, plain as day. I mean why the … why do you think Putin put him in the White House? So he could learn golf? I can’t talk about national security issues. I really need a break or I am going to fall down on the floor laughing. Trump’s about to be dictator and you are acting like we’re going to be all polite and ask and answer questions. Is your time up yet? Can I have a break? Just five minutes.” 

———————- (five minute break. To simulate that break, you could read this short story and return). ——- 

Plans for us some GRUsome

—————————————————-

Member Who Still Believes In a Democratic Process: “Did you discuss with the President sending troops to suppress the vote in November?” 

Bilious Barr: “November of this year? Did we discuss troop deployments in November? No. It’s only July. We haven’t discussed anything in November yet. Did you know that the days of the week are named primarily after pagan gods. I think we should change that. Wednesday, for instance, is much like “Wodin’s Day” or “Odin’s Day.” And yet we have a Christian nation, under the one true God so…”

“Reclaiming my time.” 

baking bread breakfast bun

Photo by Lum3n on Pexels.com

Gym “It wasn’t my kids who were abused” Jordan: “Let the man finish the answer! You ask him a question but you don’t want to hear the answer!”  

Person Who Believed in a Democratic Process: “Did you or did you not discuss with President Trump, with regard to the upcoming election in November, deploying troops to suppress the vote?” 

Bilious Barr: “Well, that assumes we will have an election. That’s a hypothetical. I don’t really answer about hypotheticals. And I definitely don’t rat out on other traitors in the White House, so I think that pretty much falls outside the scope of the inquiry.” 

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Person Who Believed in a Democratic Process: “Did you talk with the President about deploying troops to suppress voter turnout?”

Bilious Barr: “When? Today? I haven’t even seen the President today.”

Person Who Believed in a Democratic Process: “Any time! It doesn’t matter when! Have you had discussions with the President about using troops to suppress voter turnout?” 

Bilious Barr: “It’s an election year. So, I’ve been in Cabinet meetings. And in the Cabinet meetings, we naturally discuss what are important problems for the country and how to solve them.” 

Democrat: “So what were the topics of important problems to solve? The pandemic? The economy? The Black Lives Matter movement? What?” 

Bilious Barr: “Did you know that police shot more white people last year than black people? That’s the score. Only 8 black people needlessly killed and 11 white people! Seems to me, there’s no evidence of racism in this country. Why would you think there is any racism?” 

grayscale photography of woman

Photo by Lucxama Sylvain on Pexels.com

Democrat: “But… but black people are only 14% of the population!”

Bilious Barr: “That’s exactly my point. Why don’t we pay attention to the other 86%? What about them? The forgotten Americans. The poor, beleaguered white people who never get a break. If black people would just respect the police and not do stupid things like jog, or hang out, or walk out their front doors, or reach for their ID when the police demand to see their ID, or have roommates who own a gun, no-one would get hurt! By the way, have you ever tried to read a book that’s all black? No. I didn’t think so. You can’t even read the words, without the white space around the letters. I’m not prejudiced. I’m just stating facts.”

Democrat: “Let’s return to this question. Did you — or did you not — discuss with the President the deployment of troops or police or whatever to suppress the vote?” 

Bilious Barr: “I’m not sure what you mean by ‘whatever’. We certainly did not discuss the deployment of B-36 bombers or any of the carrier groups. But who can say about whether we discussed ‘whatever’? You know – that’s a pretty big category!  As I say, we talked about important things. Of course, the most important is the upcoming re-election and how to make sure that the results are secure.”

american flags and pins on white background

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

Democrat: “We’re in the middle of a pandemic. There are 150,000 Americans dead. Science says it’s important to wear masks and to socially distance. The best way to let people vote safely would be to let everyone vote by mail. Yet, you’ve said, you’re against it. You claim there’s a chance of voter fraud if we have vote by mail.”

Bilious Barr: “Oh, yes. Substantial risk. Outsized risk. A virtual certainty. You know, other countries could easily print up ballots and forge signatures and the next thing you know, Putin would lose his re-election.”   

Democrat: “Putin?” 

Bilious Barr: “What about Putin?”

person s hands covered with blood

Photo by NEOSiAM 2020 on Pexels.com

Democrat: “You just said ‘Putin would lose his re-election.’” 

Bilious Barr: “I never said that.”

actor adult business cards

Photo by Nikolay Ivanov on Pexels.com

Democrat: “Well, you did just say exactly that.”

Bilious Barr: “Exactly what? What are we talking about? I thought you asked me a question about how wonderful our great President is. He’s saved billions of American lives with his speedy and brilliant actions about the pandemic. OKKK?” 

Democrat: “My question is a simple one. Did you and the President discuss using troops or police to suppress the vote?” 

Bilious Barr: “I can’t answer the question because I’m not sure what the scope of the question is. Are you asking me about something we might have discussed in a cabinet meeting? Or, just an off-hand conversation? Are you talking about a phone call? If it’s a phone call, are you asking about a secure line or a mobile phone or — you know I have four different phones? And, also I have four different e-mails? My favorite is consigliere@us.gov but are you including e-mail in the scope of the question?” 

brown and white snake

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Democrat: “I reclaim my time. It’s a very simple question….”

Gym ‘once you’ve covered up for a buddy’s sexual abuse, it’s easy to lie for Trump’ Jordan: “Let him answer the damned question!” 

Democrat: “Yes, by all means! Answer the damned question. Have you at any time in any place in any manner discussed using police or troops to suppress voter turnout?” 

Bilious Barr: “Turnout as in ballet? My wife’s a big fan. I don’t go very often. But it is amazing how much they can turn….did you know they put their feet parallel to each other but not … but they are pointed 180 degrees from each other. Amazing! I couldn’t do that. Could you?” 

active adult artist ballerina

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Democrat: “I reclaim my time. Did you discuss with the President using troops to suppress the vote?” 

Bilious Barr: “Hmmm.  ‘With’ is a problematic word, isn’t it?”

Democrat: “No, not really. Just answer the question.” 

Bilious Barr: “So, let’s say, hypothetically, we are discussing important business for America such as launching investigations into the President’s political opponents. And then, a phone call comes in. And it’s a alarmed phone call meaning it’s top priority. So, naturally the President puts it on speaker phone so we can all listen in. And a general on the phone is talking about troops moving in Russia. We hear the word ‘troops’ and then he says, ‘Won’t it be great when black people aren’t allowed to vote any more?’”

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Democrat: “Did he say that?”

“Bilious Barr: “Did he say what?” 

Democrat: “Just answer whether you talked with the President about voter suppression and using troops or police to accomplish that!” 

Jim “All bullies are cowards” Jordan: “Let him answer the question! I have never in my 355 years as Congressman ever seen anything so rude in all my life. Let the man answer! Let him answer. Let him answer! These proceedings are a farce. A hoax. A fake news. There’s no proof I saw him in the shower doing those things to those boys who probably liked it anyway. They were pals for God’s sake. It’s not like being queer you know. Just because guys get sweaty wrestling and then…”

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Jerry Nadler: “You are out of order. You are not recognized. The witness will answer the question.”

Bilious Barr: “Thank you. I have been trying to answer for a long time. I was pointing out the substantial irregularities and ambiguities with the word ‘with’ — honestly, we may outlaw that word after Putin’s re-election.”

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Democrat: “You said ‘Putin’ again.”  

Bilious Barr: “Don’t be ridiculous. I said no such thing. Anyway, we all call him Vlad the Bad. We never refer to him as Putin in our strategy meetings so I definitely wouldn’t have called Trump ‘Putin.’ You know, secretly, we all have our pet names for Trump. It’s so funny. I wish I could share them but — not now. Of course, we have to be careful he doesn’t overhear us. And, the best part is, Vlad the Bad’s in on it too. He has — well, frankly, his names are the nastiest, but never mind all that.”

Jerry Nadler: “I see our time is up. I’d like to thank the witness for his thorough display of the entire spectrum of lies, deceit, and misdirection. Any last comments from the Consigliere General?” 

Bilious Barr: “Nyet. Spasibo.” 

—————————————————-

The Truth Train 

The Pandemic Anti-Academic

The Watershed Virus

Trumpism is a New Religion

The Myths of the Veritas: The Orange Man

At Least he’s Our Monster

———————————————-

Purely Fictional Stories about a Child Sociopath: 

Donnie Plays Bull-Dazzle Man

Donnie Visits Granny

Donnie Gets a Hamster

Donnie Takes a Blue Ribbon in Spelling

Donnie Boy Plays Soldier Man

Donnie Boy Plays Captain Man

Donnie Gets his name on a Trophy

Donnie Lets his Brother Take the Fall

Captain Donny Boy Steers the Titanic (Luckily, the Iceberg was a Liberal Hoax*)

11 Saturday Jul 2020

Posted by petersironwood in America, apocalypse, COVID-19, family, health, politics, psychology, science, Uncategorized

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

fiction, IMPOTUS, leadership, pandemic, parable, parody, politics, psychology, Resistance, satire, story, undedided

white ice formation

Photo by Harrison Haines on Pexels.com

“What iceberg? There’s no iceberg! And, if there is, the sun will come out one day soon and melt it all away. It’s water! Did you know that? Most people don’t know about ice and water actually being the same. Cousins. Sisters. They are cousins. With cousins, it’s okay. But ice – water – and what about ice water? Who would’ve known? Very few people know that. But thank God I am the captain because — did you know this? Hillary would have — I can’t even say it. So crooked. So crooked.
Did I ever tell you about the time I was playing golf at Marlo’s Lango and I hit a hole in one on a par 5? 845 yards straight into the hole. Shattered the flagstaff — er — flagstick — er — maybe I should issue an executive order they should all be American Flags on the flagstaffs. But my shot! My shot! People couldn’t believe it. They said it was a miracle shot. That just happens with me. Miracles. One day the iceberg will just disappear. Poof! It’ll melt and — get this — it will turn into — you ready — water! Isn’t that something? Water. Ice. They’re like lovers, really. Like father and daughter, in a way. It’s really almost incestuous, you know? Ice and Water. But no-body says they have to be all PC and all that jazz. 
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There’s no iceberg! None! It’s a liberal hoax. 
It’s the Chinaberg. The Whoa Floe! The Cuban Cube! But we have — all the life jackets — we have — Mikey, how many — we have trillions of life jackets. No, no, I don’t wear one. It’s not a good look for me. A good look for me is obese, old, wrinkled, and painted orange with my mouth open in a sucking position. Now, *that’s* a good look for me. I like to tilt forward a tad. It — well — off the record — it makes a whole lot more comfortable to walk with that damned cattle probe in there, what with the remote control and all. Anyway, the point is a Life Jacket is not a Good Look for … Me…
smiling man wearing blue framed eyeglasses

Photo by Kelly Lacy on Pexels.com

And besides, if I wear a life jacket, no one can see that vacant eyed suck expression. Or any of my fake expressions. They’re too hidden by the jacket. Not even Vlad could see. Okay, everyone — put on a — oh, I’m tired. Never mind. Have the staff decide for the people around them whether or not they need a life jacket.

What do you mean the ship is tilted? Ridiculous! Sinking? Who’s the captain? Me. So, who’s right? Not sinking. Not sinking. Fire anyone who says that!!
climate cold road landscape

Photo by Markus Spiske on Pexels.com

 
No, I take no responsibility. I am perfect. Did you know — did I ever tell you how smart I am? I am a — what they call a — stable genius. Stable. Genius. I’m so smart they made up a new word for me. Yeah. ‘Stable Genius’ — before that their top category was ‘Genius’ but then, they had to make a new one for me. It’s called — I am so smart — I am I am pretty sure I’m the only one in the Stable Genius category. It’s like — they had to make a new CAT-E-GOR-Y for me. The doctors couldn’t believe it! No! They were like — they thought those — what was that — they were amazed I was — like I got a perfect score. Better than perfect. They said, Mr. Captain, if you ever retire, will you please come be a subject so we can study you, Sir? I said that was very flattering, but I’m going to be needed as Captain here on this ship for a very long time. This ship? WTF? Where is my ship? 
No, I am not going down with the ship. That’s for people who join the service. That would be stupid. I’m needed elsewhere. What do you mean all the lifeboats are gone? Get me one!
Anyway, it doesn’t matter. Vlad promised a helicopter. It’ll be here any minute. Any minute.
 
Vlad? Vlad!?? VLAD!!!???”
* The term “liberal hoax” is simply the “Captain’s” way of saying, “Crap, they caught me red-handed again! Why don’t they just leave me alone & let me do Putin’s bidding.”
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———————————
Trumpism is a new religion.
You Bet Your Life.
It’s Just Tommy Being Tommy.
Rejecting Adulthood.
The Truth Train
The Pandemic Anti-Academic
The Watershed Virus
Unmasked
The Happy Talk Lies

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