A few weeks ago, in preparing for a blog on the concept of “coming home,” I used a popular search engine to find out how far the sun moves in one year as it speeds through the galaxy. Before listing links, the search engine first provided an AI summary answer to questions. It gave an apt answer that seemed quantitatively correct. Then, astoundingly, it added the gratuitous gem: “This is called a light year.”
It isn’t of course. A light year is how far light travels in a year, not how far the sun travels in a year. The sun travels at 6,942,672,000 kilometers per year. A light year is 9.46 trillion kilometers; more than a thousand times farther. It’s understandable in the sense that the word “sun” is often used in the same or similar contexts as “light.” But it’s an egregious error to be off by a factor of 1000. It would be like asking me how much my dog weighs and I answer 55,000 pounds instead of 55 pounds. A standard field for American football is 100 yards, not 100,000 yards (over 56 miles!).
Generated by AI — note the location of the tire! I asked for a 55,000 pound dog, but this looks about the same size as the car which likely weighs far less than 55,000 pounds.
When I checked back a few days later, the offended nonsense no longer appeared. I have no idea how that happened. I forgot about this apparent glitch until Thanksgiving dinner. The topic came up of Arabic and I mentioned that I studied a little in anticipation of a work assignment that might make it useful. I mentioned that in Arabic, not only are nouns and adjectives gender-marked but so are verbs. One of the other guests said, “Yes, just like in Spanish and French.” I said, “No, that’s not right. German, Spanish, and French mark adjectives and nouns with gender but not verbs.” But they were insistent so I checked on my iPhone using the search engine. To my astonishment, in response to the question, “Which languages mark verbs with gender?” I got the following answer:
“Languages like French, Spanish, German, Italian, Portuguese, and most Slavic languages mark gender in verbs, meaning the verb conjugation changes depending on the grammatical gender of the subject noun; essentially, a verb will have different forms depending on whether the subject is masculine or feminine.”
This is not so. And, in the next paragraph, incredibly, there are examples given, but in the examples, the verbs are not marked differently at all! The AI had made an error, but an error that at least one human being had also made.
Now, I sensed a challenge. Can I construct another such query with a predicted “bad logic” result? Is there a common element of “misunderstanding” between the two cases? Intuitively, it feels as though there’s a way in which these two errors are similar though I’m not sure I can put a name to it. Perhaps it’s something like: “A is strongly associated with B and B is strongly associated with C, so A is strongly associated with C.” That’s typically not even a fallacy. The fallacy comes with actually equating A and C because they are strongly associated.
It reminds me of several things. First, my wonderful dog Sadie knows the meanings of many words—at least in some sense of “knows the meaning of.” When we go for a walk, and other dogs come into view, I remark on it: “Oh, here comes a doggie” or “There’s someone walking with their dog.” Or, when a dog barks in the distance, I say, “I hear a doggie.” For several weeks prior to getting her little brother Bailey, my wife and I would tell her something like, “In a few weeks, we’re going to get a little doggie that will be your friend to play with.” When we got to the word “doggie” she would immediately alert and even sometimes bark. She has similar reactions to other words as do most dogs. They “understand” the word “walk” but if you say something like “I can’t take you for a walk now, but later this afternoon, we can go for a walk” you can well imagine that what she picks out of that is the word “walk” and she gets all excited. Same with “ball” or “feed you.”
The AI error also seems vaguely human. I can easily imagine some people concluding that a “light year” is the distance the sun travels in a year. A few years ago, a video was widely circulated in which recent Harvard grads were asked to explain why it was warmer in the summertime. Many answered that the earth is closer to the sun in the summer. It’s totally a wrong answer, but it isn’t a completely stupid answer. After all, if you get closer to a heater or a fireplace, it feels warmer and when you walk away, it feels cooler. We’ve all experienced this thousands of times.
The AI errors also seem related to the human foible of presuming that a name accurately represents reality. For example, many people believe that the sun does not shine on the “dark side of the moon.” After all, it is called “the dark side.” Advertisers use this particular fallacy to their advantage. When we moved from New York to California, we paid for having our stuff “fully covered” which we falsely believed meant “fully covered.” What it actually means in “insurance-speak” is that things are covered at some fixed rate like five cents a pound. Huh? Other examples of misleading words include “All natural ingredients” which has no legal significance whatsoever.
As I suspected, the AI system has an answer that is not unlike what many humans would say:
There are several advantages to buying food with all-natural ingredients, including:
Health benefits Natural foods can help with blood sugar and diabetes management, heart health, and reducing the risk of cancer. They can also improve sleep patterns, boost the immune system, and help with children’s development.
Environmental benefits Organic farming practices prioritize the health of the soil and ecosystem, and are less likely to pollute water sources or harm animals.
Supporting local economies Locally grown food is picked at its peak ripeness, which can lead to more flavor. Buying local food also supports local farmers and producers.
Nutritional superiority Organic ingredients have higher levels of essential nutrients than conventional ingredients.
Superior taste Fresh ingredients can taste much better than non-fresh ingredients.
Health benefits
The first statement is problematic. Why? Because claiming something has all-natural ingredients has zero legal significance. The advertisers, of course, want you to believe that “All-Natural Ingredients” means something; in fairness, it should. But it doesn’t. Everything that follows lists positive benefits of things that are often associated with claims of being all-natural.
The AI answers reflect what is “out there” on the Internet and much of it is simply propaganda. There are many scientific facts that can also be found on the Internet too, but popularity seems to define truth for the AI system. Imagine that one of the major political parties mounted an effort funded heavily by extremely wealthy people that claimed there was genetic evidence that rich people should be rich. There is nothing (apparently) to prevent the AI system from “learning” this “fact.” And, there is nothing (apparently) to prevent many citizens from “learning” this “fact.”
One of the most pleasurable “chores” I’ve ever had is walking our goldendoodle Sadie twice a day. It’s exercise. It’s a chance to see nature’s beauty. It’s a chance to interact with Sadie and informally explore her mind. She likes to vary her route. She likes to return to “known” spots and also to explore new places. She knows when we are “headed home.” And, once we begin heading home, she typically begins to engage in a variety of “procrastination” behaviors. She stops and licks herself. She stops and looks back to see whether any of her neighborhood friends—human and dog—are headed our way. She suddenly finds an incredibly interesting scent to track down.
Her procrastination is something I completely understand. I did the same thing as a kid. And my kids did the same thing. And their kids did the same thing. While I sympathize, it also gives me a chance to think. What does it mean to be heading home? Can one ever go back home?
Undo and Home Base
Early in my career as a researcher in Human-Computer Interaction, I had an opportunity to contribute to a set of “Guidelines.” Although the New York Times once erroneously ascribed the “invention” of UNDO to me, I did not invent it. It seems to me that the concept is actually quite old. I did, however, mention in the guidelines that UNDO should be provided as well as providing a “Home Base”—that is, a way to go to a state where you could begin again.
To Sadie, and to me, our home is our home base. Like other home bases, we conceptualize them as being a return to an unchanging safe space. Relatively speaking, and roughly speaking, that’s a good characterization. It’s relative because no place on earth is absolutely safe. Disasters can come in many forms: extreme weather, wars, crime, and disease to name four. Also, even if disaster doesn’t strike, we can be sure that home will never be exactly the same as when we left it. Everything is constantly in motion and in flux. It can be comforting to imagine that home stays the same, but it doesn’t. Nor does Sadie. Nor do I.
Sometimes, a moderate amount of change is nice. I like to take photos in our beautiful garden. I end up sometimes taking pictures of “the same” plant or flower several days in a row. I also tend to take flowers when they bloom, year after year. Sometimes, these pictures look very similar on successive days or on successive years. But in actuality, they are never exactly the same. The plant itself changes day to day (as do I; as does Sadie; as do you). In addition, the light changes from day to day. The surrounding plants in the garden also change from day to day and year to year. In addition, when I take a picture, I’m not in the exact same position. The software on the iPhone changes over time as well. The lenses on the iPhone change over time. Even if by some industrial strength replicability dream (nightmare?) I could take exactly the same photo, you wouldn’t perceive it as the same because your eye/brain system is always changing, both organically and by virtue of your other visual experiences.
Another Sunset
There are characteristics of sunsets that we see as similar over time. Here are three sunset shots years apart.
Another “Another”
Are there any replications? In my mind, sure. In reality, no.
A rose is a rose is a rose, but not only are two different roses ever identical. Even one rose is not the same day after day, hour after hour, or even second by second.
Another Trip Around the Sun
What is more steady than the movement of the earth around the sun…or the sun around the earth. In the Medieval times, the Europeans wanted to describe in perfect circles and put themselves at the center of the universe.
Now, we are more sophisticated and know that the earth actually orbits the sun. Our seasons depend on the relative position of the earth and the sun. But while we are aware of our trip around the sun, earth does not return to the same spot. Today is November 1. Next November first? The sun will have traveled through our galaxy 6,942,672,000 kilometers. That’s a far piece. I’ve run a number of 10K races. The galaxy travels a lot faster.
Another Homecoming? Is it possible? Can we use time machines?
Can we go back to the 1950s?
Can women simply forget that they were once treated as human beings?
In order to work effectively, today’s technology presumes a whole set of other technologies, skills, infrastructure, attitudes, processes, laws, rules, regulations. If we actually tried to go back to 1950, we would miss.
By about 500,000 years. Every so-called primitive tribe ever studied has customs, rules, practices, and rituals. Going back to the 1950’s by destroying the rule of law won’t work no matter how loudly people scream for it. You can’t scream your way to the moon. You can’t scream your way to Mars. You can’t scream your way to happiness. You cannot make two plus two equal five, no matter how loud you scream. Sadie can’t bark them into equivalence. A snake cannot hiss them into equivalence.
You can typically get yourself home. But no matter how hard you “insist,” home will not be in precisely what it was when you left. And, it definitely won’t be in the same place in the universe. Not even close. Going back is a mental exercise and never a physical reality.
Dan Johnson’s family had been dairy farmers for as long as any of the folks in or around Oshkosh could remember. Like his pa and grandpa, Dan dressed the part. Going to the general store, fiddling a jig at the barn dances, or tending to his herd, Dan could be seen in his checkered shirt and blue jeans held up by red suspenders. Like many (but not all) of the Johnson clan, Dan sported curly red hair and freckles. His once-handsome face now bore a strong resemblance to corrugated cardboard from his many years in the sun.
Now that Cindy was gone, he didn’t much care. And he didn’t even care that he didn’t care. Life went on, and he did have flashes of pleasure, but they grew ever dimmer and rarer as the lonely years passed. Dan still enjoyed his herd. He enjoyed feeding them, milking them—hell, he had even come to love the putrid smell of cow patties. He also enjoyed the occasional visits from some of the other old codgers in Winnebago County.
Though winter seemed to come later each year, he hadn’t yet thoroughly prepared for this one. He stayed strong from handling the chores on his own. He still felt pangs of regret that he hadn’t had more kids. Now he had no surviving sons or even cousins to help, and, more importantly to take over once he…”passed on.”
Dan took a breather from wood-chopping and made himself a cup of black coffee. He had always considered cream and sugar a “sissy way” to enjoy coffee. He loved the unadulterated bitter taste. He set down his cup to cool a bit. His fingers idly pulled the stack of papers toward him across the slick formica. He squeaked and squinched his chair around so the dim light of late October fell onto the contract. He shook his head.
In his younger days, he’d never imagined ever selling his farm. If he had imagined it, it sure as hell would have been to a neighbor, not some dark-suit, white-shirt, red-tie from New York, of all places. Of course, back then, he’d had no idea that he’d lose both sons, one to war and one to COVID. Every year, it got just a little harder. He’d had no idea how difficult it would become to compete with the huge agro-business factories.
“Factories.” Dan couldn’t bring himself to think of the “Golden Opportunity Pastures” as actual farms. The way that smooth-talking New York fellah—Steve Banshee—talked about the cows—well, come to think of it— the way he talked about everything—yeah, Mr. Banshee talked about everything like he was doing some kind of math problem. But the math never seemed to add up. Banshee’s way was to scream and coo and wave his hands and then go back to screaming again.
Dan looked over to where Cindy had sat for four decades. He imagined her and smiled. “Well, Cindy, what do you think? Should I sell this old place? This city fellah, you heard him, I guess, he says they don’t have any use for this old house and I can stay here as long as I’m above ground and then he’ll arrange for me to be buried right beside you. He promised you and I could sleep under the old black walnut tree forever. And, he promised to let Old Blue stay on too, though she can’t give milk any more.”
The light began to fade. Dan sighed. It was some good money, all right. “Cin—I’ll tell you what—I can buy a real nice headstone for you. I know. You’re happy with the little cross I make for you every spring. I don’t want those city folks forgetting where you are. Sure, I admit, I’ll buy a few thing for myself as well. But I’ll send along a check to your friend Sue in Milwaukee too. It would be from both of us. Appears, I’ve made my mind up.”
Dan stared at the contract. He began to read it and it made no more sense than it had the first few times. But, after all, this Mr. Banshee from New York said he was an expert about these things. And, he had made it very clear how much the money was and about the provision for Dan to keep the house and burial plot. Dan signed the papers. For a moment, he hesitated because he couldn’t see Cin’s signature. Then, he realized that was just habit. He didn’t feel sad. But a single teardrop fell onto the spot where Cin’s name had been.
Now that he and Cin had finally made up their mind, he felt lighter, younger. He slept very well that night. He mailed back the signed contract and his week went on as it usually did and he talked to the cows as he milked them and he told them about selling the place and tried his best to paint the buyer, Mister Banshee as a nice person, but the cows weren’t buying it. They pretended as though they didn’t really understand what Dan was saying.
It wasn’t until the following Monday that Mr. Banshee showed up along with two young linebackers or professional wrestlers.
Dan hated to scream, but once Banshee had told him “how it’s going to be” that didn’t stop him, “Mister Banshee! You agreed! We shook hands! Right here in this kitchen! Shook hands.”
Banshee held up his hands like a crossing guard, “Hold it right there, Dan, you know as well as anybody that people say all sorts of things when they’re negotiating, but what matters is the signed document. Why? Different people have different memories of conversations, but the written document is in black and white. It is what it is. And a good thing because I don’t even recall talking about having you stay here, let alone anything about a burial plot or a sacred cow. Good Lord, man. Think! We have standard contracts. The only thing that changes are the amounts and dates of payouts.”
Dan pursed his lips tight. He clenched his jaw. He stared at Mr. Banshee without speaking. He glanced at the two thugs who stood behind Banshee. For a moment, his mind fled to the two cords of wood he’d stacked up for the winter. Then, he thought of “Paul Bunyan”—not the legendary giant woodsman—but the axe he used to chop firewood. It was a name Cin came up with many years ago.
Dan, shirtless, had been splitting logs on a warm summer’s day. She’d come out to him with a jam jar filled with lemonade. She’d smiled as she handed it to him and said, “Well, now, if you don’t just look like Paul Bunyan himself!” Dan had blushed as he took the glass, beaded with condensation, and lightly stroked her fingers.
He liked the name Paul Bunyan, but applying it to himself? No. He had smiled at her though and tapped the oaken axe handle. “This is the real Paul Bunyan.” From then on, they’d both referred to the axe as “Paul Bunyan.”
From somewhere far off, he heard someone talking. It was that Banshee fellow. He was still jabbering on about how the time for negotiating was over. They had a signed contract and Banshee had placed a check right before him. Dan stared at the check. It was a lot of money. It was the largest single check amount made out to him that he’d ever seen. It was also about one quarter of what they had “agreed to.”
Mr. Banshee reminded him once again that he needed to move out by Friday. At the latest. After that, anything remaining on the property would belong to “Golden Opportunity Pastures.” Dan nodded and followed them out to their car. The trio of “city folk” leaned on their car and Mr. Banshee said one last thing, “That money should last you awhile, Mr. Johnson, if you’re wise with it. I hope you learned a valuable lesson. Watch what you sign. Oh, and remember city folks are just plain smarter than the folks hereabouts.”
Dan nodded and said softly, “Hold on, Mr. Banshee, I’ve got some maps & schedules in the barn that you’ll find useful. I’ll be right back. Just take a minute. You folks stay there. I’ll get everything you need.”
The thugs that Mr. Banshee brought with him were strong, but they were no match for a herd of cows driven by a cattle prod that Dan had very seldom used until today. One of the thugmen had reached into a holster and taken out a pistol. Paul Bunyan took care of that arm. The man screamed and tried to stop the bleeding. Uselessly.
Dan saw the wounded men and took pity on them. Lots of broken bones. Lots of pain. Paul Bunyan fixed all that in a few moments. Dan sighed.
“Well, Cin, we got us a lot of work to do. Can’t bury them here. Ground’s too near frozen. Gonna have to drag them one by one to the marsh. Old Blue can help though.”
Two weeks later, after a light brushing of snow, the local sheriff, Bill Baxter drove up in his “Oreo” which is how the locals referred to the police cars. Dan offered Bill a cup of coffee. Bill took his black, just like Dan. “What’s up?”
“Well, Dan. Here’s the thing. There’s a real estate guy missing by the name of Banshee. That name mean anything to you?”
“Yeah. That’s the name of a fellah who came all the way from New York City. He wanted to buy my farm. Came up a couple times. He didn’t want to take “no” for an answer. I guess he finally got the hint. Haven’t seen him for awhile.”
“Okay. Well, he seems to be missing. Any idea about that?”
Dan bit his lip and tilted his head. “No, he didn’t say where he was headed next. Last time I saw him, he handed me a contract. I signed it, ‘Suck my Johnson’ and mailed it to him. I figured that might help him get the message. Anyway, he hasn’t been back since. So I guess it worked.”
Bill stared for awhile at Dan. “Maybe. Thing is, the people at his office apparently didn’t notice that you hadn’t signed your actual name and cut a check. And that check was cashed. It was a good deal of money. They seem to think you sold the farm.”
“No idea, but I am sure I’m not rich. Look around. Same as always. If there’s a check, I haven’t seen it. And, I sure as hell will never sell this farm. Especially not to a New York City guy in a suit.
Dan smiled at Bill and thought, Guess the trip to Minneapolis was worth it. Dressed in a suit and tie, with his beard trimmed short and wearing a white cowboy hat, Dan had looked quite different standing in line at Sunrise Bank. Not that anyone bothered to look for him on security footage, but if they had, not even officer Baxter wouldn’t have recognized farmer Dan.
Bill finished his coffee and stood. “Well, Dan, if you hear from this guy Banshee again, let me know. Or, if you remember anything he said about where he might be headed next. Okay?”
“Sure will. Have a great day now.”
Dan looked out the window and saw Bill do a Y-turn in his gravel driveway. He nearly backed into the chopping block into which Paul Bunyan sank his single sharp tooth.
“Donnie’s Restaurant,” located in the town center of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, began business in 1854, a quarter of a century before Franklin Winfield Woolworth opened his first five and dime store in 1879. Of course, back then, it wasn’t called “Donnie’s Restaurant.” It was originally called “George’s” named after the original proprietor, George Oglethorpe Parsons. Lancaster was originally named “Hickory Town.” Indeed, for many years, a stately grove of shagbarks abutted the estate upon which George decided to open his general store and tavern.
If we now fast forward (and who, these days, doesn’t love to fast forward?) to 1985, the name was changed to “Donnie’s Restaurant” by one of George Parsons’s descendants Donnie Parsons. Donnie continued many of the Restaurant’s traditions, including hickory nut pancakes with real maple syrup and local butter; beans and franks in homemade basil tomato sauce; and a one pound serving of prime rib. The prime rib came from local Holsteins. Though not officially “organic,” both beef and butter were free from toxic concentrations of antibiotics and pesticides.
In the summer of 2015, the restaurant changed hands again and for the first time, the proprietor bore no known blood relationship to the earlier owners. Nonetheless, as luck would have it, his name was also “Donald” so he decided to keep the name “Donnie’s Restaurant” as well as the “Pennsylvania Dutch” architecture fused with Italianate features.
The restaurant’s popularity grew under the new owner during the first few months. He kept the traditional dishes and promised to lower prices considerably as soon as possible. He also promised that he would increase the salaries of the cooks and waiters as soon as economically feasible. He fired most of the servers and replaced them with more attractive women.
(AI generated image above)
If one had judged the success of the restaurant by Donnie’s residence, one would have concluded that the restaurant was doing quite well indeed. Donnie found it expedient to cut costs by replacing some of the daily and weekly cleaning routines of the former owners with well-timed bribes for the health inspectors. At first, the bribing was initially more expensive but Donnie recorded the health inspector’s bribe-taking which reduced the necessary fee considerably.
Donnie kept the menu unchanged although he found ways to save more money by replacing the most absurdly expensive ingredients. For example, Donnie’s famous hickory nut pancakes were still listed that way on the menu, but instead of paying a fortune for hand-picked hickory nuts, he bought walnuts in bulk from China. Instead of paying a fortune for locally produced butter, he bought butter in bulk from India. Instead of using real maple syrup, he found that most people could not distinguish it from “Aunt Jemima’s” provided he simply ordered staff to pour the sugar syrup into a serving container that was labelled “100% pure Vermont Maple Syrup.”
(AI generated image above)
By greatly reducing the cost of hygiene and ingredients, Donnie had the option of raising wages or lowering prices or both. He decided it would be more prudent however, to increase profits. After all, Donnie found that if one promised to lower prices and increase wages, it worked nearly as well as actually doing it. This is particularly true if one promises with passion and sincerity.
Despite all the time and effort Donnie put into the restaurant, he found that after several months, fewer people actually went to the restaurant. There were still a large group of faithful customers who showed up on a regular basis, but he was not attracting any new clientele and even the faithful didn’t always show up. Donnie considered spending money on an advertising campaign but decided it was too expensive. Instead, he launched his own anti-advertising campaign aimed at discouraging people from dining at other local restaurants. He wrote letters to the editor. He dropped hints in conversation. He privately told several of his staff members that if they wanted to keep their jobs, they had better join in with his whispering campaign.
A local diner was said to be adding rat turds to bulk up their pecan pie. A fried chicken house went bankrupt from continual reports of Salmonella poisoning despite the fact that there were no actual cases of Salmonella. A sandwich shop, famous for its sourdough bread, had to close doors because one of the bakers had been “caught” urinating in the dough. This too was an out and out lie, but, more importantly, from Donnie’s perspective, it cut his competitor’s business in half. The local “Ponderosa Steakhouse” was said to be using horse meat instead of beef. Again, although completely unfounded, this persistent rumor cut their business in half.
It worked! As the number of options for restaurant-goers diminished, more business returned to Donnie’s. To celebrate the uptick in business, he painted a lot of gold trim on the doors to the restrooms which were newly labelled “Women ONLY” and “Men ONLY.” He found other ways to cut costs. For inspiration, he needed to search no further than his own smear campaigns. He bulked up his pies with rat turds. He told his chefs to save time by not cleaning cutting boards between cutting raw chickens and preparing fresh vegetables. He substituted horse meat for prime beef. Initially, these changes increased his margins and he was happy.
These changes, however, did not go completely unnoticed by his customers. Let’s zoom in for a moment (and who, these days, doesn’t love to zoom?) to a couple of long-term customers of “Donnie’s Restaurant” as they sit in their kitchen and contemplate dinner plans.
(AI generated image above)
Mildred sighed and banged the cupboard shut. She peered over at Gerald whose brow furrowed as convoluted and hateful as an Alito decision rationale. He grunted a single syllable: “Well?” Mildred sighed again and tip-toed across the kitchen to the table and sat beside him.
“We have no pasta, Ger. Sorry. We haven’t been to “Donnie’s” for a while. On the way home, I could run in to Walmart & grab some pasta for tomorrow. Doesn’t a prime rib sound good? You used to love them.”
Gerald grunted. “Yeah. I dunno. Lately, their steaks and prime rib haven’t been as good. Tough. I think maybe they overcook them. I dunno. Also, they replaced their home fries with whipped potatoes but they kind of suck. I think they may be powdered.”
Mildred nodded and bit her lip. “Funny you say that. I used to like the meatloaf. But lately, it has tasted…I dunno…off somehow.”
Gerald peered up at the ceiling and once again thought about what could possibly be causing the ever-widening stain. He shook his head slightly and thought, I’ll deal with that later. First things first. Gerald said, “Well, it can’t really be that different. After all, it’s got the same menu and the same name.”
Mildred and Gerald sat in silence for a few moments before Gerald said, “Not much else in town these days. Such a string of gross stuff. You could stand to lose a few pounds anyway. How ‘bout we just go have a couple slices of pie and a cup of coffee? Skip the main course? What say?”
“That sounds good, actually. Hard to mess up a pie, after all.”
Hard, but not impossible.
Unlikely as it might seem, most people don’t care much for the taste of rat feces. Sure, Donald had the chef throw in loads of extra sugar but it didn’t completely obscure the vermin taste. Privately, neither Mildred nor Gerald cared at all for their desserts. An observer wouldn’t guess that from their conversation however.
“Oh, fine. Yeah, it’s fine. I should have ordered pecan, I think. I generally like pumpkin, but I think this whole season, I’ve been close to ODing on pumpkin spice. How’s yours?”
“Um. Great. Really. Not like I remember it when gramma used to make peach pie. She got fresh peaches from the Farmer’s Market. Can’t expect the same from canned fruit, I suppose. But it’s good. Yeah. I’m not all that hungry.”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah.”
“Donnie’s” became popular with tourists who wanted to see “what all the outsized complaints were about.” Tourists soon found out for themselves that the various reviews they have read were not exaggerations. The service was terrible. The prices never fell but continued to rise. The ingredients were low quality and having them put together haphazardly by inept cooks didn’t really help much. Still, it was fun to watch “Crazy Donald” come storming out of the kitchen and swear at the servers, the busboys, the hostess, and often, even the customers. Although neither Mildred nor Gerald liked the food, they were not disappointed when it came to the show. Sure enough, right before they paid their bill, Donnie stormed out through one of the kitchen’s swinging doors and knocked a large tray of drinks smashing onto the floor. He ignored his bleeding employee and screamed at no-one in particular:
“What the hell do you mean, it’s not good! It tastes good to me! What the hell’s wrong with you people! I’ll tell you what’s wrong! You’ve had your sense of taste destroyed by fast food and TV dinners and foreign sushi and pho soup and sauerkraut and some of those foreign restaurants even serve raw shark and cooked dog! If you don’t like my food, just leave! Give the receptuous, the receptive, the velocitoraptor! Damn! Whaddayacallit. The bitch. Give the bitch your credit card number and I give you double your money back.”
(AI generated image above)
Mildred and Gerald smiled at each other. Fifty bucks for two pieces of pie and coffee? Seriously overpriced, but the show was worth it they both thought (and, these days, who doesn’t like a good show?)
At least they had thought the show was worth it until they awoke around midnight and spent the wee hours alternating between diarrhea and vomiting. (These days, very few people enjoy the consequences of doing business with a liar).
When you find yourself in fog, you need to stop and think. Normally, you can see what’s out there more easily and people will have a hard time seeing you.
But that assumes you even realize you’re in the fog. If you’ve been in the fog long enough, you may not even realize it.
That might happen because you’ve been in the fog a long time, but it can also happen if you keep your focus firmly fixed on what is right in front of you. You might ask your neighbors what they see, and if they keep their eyes firmly fixed on what is right in front of them, they might also fail to realize they’re in the fog.
You’ll never get to the point of thinking about what generates the fog or why they do it. Halloween is coming.
Our dog Sadie barks in many circumstances. She barks if someone comes to the door. Or—until recently—she also barks if someone comes to a door on the TV. She barks if we bring up the topic of a “N-E-W—D-O-G-G-I-E” (Hence, the spelling). She likes to sniff nearby trucks. If there’s a person inside, she ignores them. Unless, they open the door, that is. If that happens, she barks and lunges, though her tail is wagging the whole time. I don’t think she’d “attack” someone unless Wendy or I were put at risk.
Sometimes, she has barked to be let out to go potty, though now, she simply comes and stares at me while sending the thought that she has to go *big* potty! On our walks, for instance, she barked at someone’s (heretofore unseen and unsniffed) Halloween decoration. She barked because a traffic cone had fallen over.
Nonetheless, she is far less of a barker than many dogs I’ve observed.
Her barks, like my words, can be uttered with varying degrees of insistence and urgency. In fact, I hear a rumor that practiced orators can even lie with sincerity and passion. The closest Sadie has come to “lying” is that she barks insistently—hard to distinguish from a “I have to go potty” bark. What she often wants is attention. She’s okay with playing tug, or hide the dragon, or ball in the hallway. Of course, she’s always game for a walk. She doesn’t want to be ignored while we watch news or a series on TV. Even when the movie features a dog, she doesn’t think that counts as “paying her some attention.” (Though she does usually watch those segments).
Today, however, came the most insistent bark ever. I thought I had seen the top of the Bark Scale, but no. What I had heard before was a “6” on the newly discovered ten point scale.
Here is how it happened. We were in the back garden playing ball (off leash). I was picking up the six squeaky balls for another round when suddenly, the air was split with Sadie’s previously undisclosed 10-bark. At the same time, she stood at attention. And then she charged up the stairs toward the house. (“Flew up the stairs” actually, but I didn’t think anyone would believe me.)
As I tried to catch up with Sadie, several possibilities ran through my mind. Was there an actual intruder? Did a coyote or even a puma come on to the property? Or, was it just my wife coming out onto the deck?
I turned the corner and saw the trigger. Our cat Shadow was outside on the deck. Sadie insistently “herded” her back inside. The door to the back deck had been left ajar. By me. Not a puny little jam jar, understand; a dill pickle jar. I came up the stairs but Sadie had already solved the problem and ran inside to follow up with Shadow on the scope of her transgressions. I thanked her.
This is not something that we “trained Sadie to do.” Maybe she found that Shadow’s being somewhere new offended her sensibility in the same way that she objected to our neighbors putting up Halloween decorations without checking with her first. But no. Her bark and physical attitude were much more severe, insistent, and loud!
I had the impression that she sensed that the cats were not to go outside. She had certainly heard us say that in various ways. She had also observed me nudging Shadow back inside when she wanted to follow Sadie and me out on a neighborhood stroll. And, I often give Shadow a rationale as well. That rationale features coyotes quite prominently. Sadie may know what a coyote is. I’ve pointed one out to her once. But even Shadow knows it’s not a good thing.
(AI generated)
To fully contextualize this, I should mention that generally speaking, despite the fact that Sadie outweighs Shadow by a factor of five, Sadie seems more afraid of Shadow than vice versa. When Sadie was a puppy, she tried playing with each cat based on the way two puppies might play together. None of the cats took kindly to these approaches and on at least a few occasions, swiped her with claws engaged. She stands up for herself if one of the cats starts to eat her food, but she isn’t nearly so aggressive as she could be. Of course, I’ve only ever observed this behavior when I’ve—er—um—-observed it. When I’m around, there is a quality to Sadie’s bark of asking for my help and I usually provide it, telling the cats not to eat Sadie’s food.
This made it all the more remarkable that Sadie would be capable of dominating Shadow completely and herding her back into the house.
I do put a fair amount of stock in Sadie’s evaluation of things. It depends on what the domain is. She’s notoriously bad at valuing the plants in our garden. She leaves them alone for the most part but if a ball falls into one, rather than being satisfied with simply removing the ball, she “punishes” the offending plants viciously. She’s not much good at picking stocks either. Nonetheless, today’s episode made me trust her judgement (and reactions) more.
I certainly don’t want to play the tritest role in that most famous of all tropes for Westerns: “Hush, Paint! There’s nobody out there in the dark woods. There’s nothing to worry about!” Want to survive? Pay attention.
Consider me barking quite loudly. Neighing quite insistently.
petersironwood 