Main Scream Media Host Sandy: “Well, it looks like another exciting day of breaking news! Hard to tell what the Putinists will think of next. Chet, you’re right there on the Senate floor. Is Cyanide likely to be confirmed as the main ingredient in tomorrow night’s dinner or might some of the Putinists break ranks and defy President Muskmelon?”
“That’s an excellent question, Sandy, and no-one knows for sure. Several of the Putinists have privately expressed reservations since Cyanide is known to be lethal. Snoozy Callins has even gone so far as to finger her pearls. No-one knows whether she will actually go so far as to clutch them. However, as you know, under oath, Cyanide said quite clearly that he had no intentions of poisoning anyone. But we’ll be right here covering every minute so our audience will have up to the minute coverage about whether they’ll be poisoned in the coming days!”
“Thanks for the great reporting Chet and after this short commercial break, we’ll be right back to hear from our panel of experts about the impact and legality of putting Cyanide in food.”
The camera pans to a shot of two men on top of a roof. The first man, dressed in blue jeans and a plaid flannel shirt swings he legs over the side and begins to descend the ladder, one step at a time. When he’s about halfway down, the second man, dressed in elegant and stylish ebony Ninja gear leaps off the roof, beating him to the pavement below by quite a margin.
Announcer: “Which is faster? Climbing down a ladder one step at a time or taking a Flying Leap? Our studies show that Flying Leap is just as effective in getting to the bottom as ladder climbing but ten times faster!”
The camera shows the ladder climbing man still descending and then pans to the Ninja who scampers off into a field of flowers and butterflies while orchestral music swells. A happy muttering voice, barely audible, says, “Some users taking Flying Leap may experience simple fractures. On rare occasions, ruptured spleens or sepsis inducing compound fractures may occur. Check with your health care provider if you are pregnant, plan on becoming pregnant, or are subject to the forces of gravity.”
The Announcer continues: “Ask your health care provider whether Flying Leap is right for you! Why climb down a ladder when you can take one Flying Leap instead?”
Sandy: “We have here our panel of experts covering the political spectrum. Let’s start with you Mary. You’re an MD specializing in toxicology. What’s your take on Cyanide?”
Mary: “Thanks for having me Sandy. Cyanide reactions vary a lot depending on dosage and on pre-existing conditions. Generally speaking, Cyanide is known to be poisonous to humans. In fact, it is among the most deadly poisons. On the other hand, chewing one or two apple seeds won’t typically kill anyone. The poison damages both the brain and the heart. It has been used in warfare and in mass suicides.”
Sandy: “Thanks, Mary. That was very enlightening. Let’s move to Jim, an expert on Constitutional Law. Jim, what’s your take on whether or not putting Cyanide in tomorrow’s dinner is Constitutional?”
Jim: “Hi, Sandy. Thanks again for inviting me. Cyanide has been used for poisoning since ancient times. However, it wasn’t chemically isolated until 1782. Theoretically then, the Founding Fathers would have known that Cyanide was poisonous. However, there is no explicit mention of it in the Constitution nor even in the various letters of the time—at least none that I am aware of. Some have argued that this is clearly antithetical to the phrase in the Declaration of Independence “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness” since dead people don’t have life, liberty or the pursuit of happiness. However much we might like the Declaration of Independence, it does not have the force of law. However, both the Fifth and Fourteenth Amendments to the Constitution say that no person shall be deprived of Life without Due Process. Of course, therein lies a tale. Some of the current Injustices on the US Extreme Court have signaled a willingness to re-interpret personhood to refer only to their wealthiest donors and their spawn, born or unborn.”
Sandy: “Thanks, Jim. That’s very instructive if a bit esoteric. I’m afraid that’s all we have time for right now because we’ve just gotten word that Cyanide has been confirmed for dinner tomorrow. Let’s get back to the Floor and our reporter right there on the scene, Chet. Chet, what’s the latest?”
Chet: “Hi, Sandy! Cyanide has just been confirmed. Two Trumputinists registered a “No Vote” but that was not enough to block Cyanide. The Dems have introduced a bill to make poisoning the population illegal by any means, but that’s unlikely to go anywhere. However, they are asking for campaign donations and if they get enough money tonight and tomorrow, there will be plenty of speeches in the next twenty-four hours. Count on it.”
Sandy: “Well, that’s all for us this evening. I wish you all a wonderful time putting your affairs in order. Tomorrow, we’ll continue our coverage of these unprecedented times.
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