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~ Finding, formulating and solving life's frustrations.

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Tag Archives: change

An Alluring Lurid Lure

10 Monday May 2021

Posted by petersironwood in Uncategorized

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Tags

change, COVID19, fiction, pandemic, psychology, story

(Bobby Boy’s Story)

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Bob had never realized how much he had been subvocalizing when he thought. His first day on the ventilator had taught him that. 

“On the ventilator” — what a fun expression, thought Bob. It makes you feel as though you’re in control. You’ve got that damned ventilator just where you want him and he’d better do as you say. Well, poop. It isn’t anything like that at all! You’re not “on a ventilator” at all! It’s on you. Worse, it’s in you. And, what’s worse, I found that when I can’t mutter to myself, I can’t even think straight. And, maybe that’s a good thing because you have no right to think straight. Thinking straight means you get to a goal. But what goal? You’re going in circles because you can’t control anything. And, the only thing you want never to think about is how thick-headedly stubborn you were. And you knew! That was the worst part. You knew the pandemic was real. You knew masks and vaccines would work. You just wanted to show how brave you were. For what? You weren’t brave at all, Bobby Boy, were you? No, you were too chicken to show how horribly disappointed you were in that man. And, by the time you realized it, you just set your jaw and lowered your head and rammed it right into that brick wall called reality. And now, here you lie. Lie. Yeah.

And there was a time, Bobby Boy, there was a time when you was honest. You wouldn’t have dreamed of cheating in school. Or, football. Well, our coach would have kicked our ass if he found us cheating or even staying out past curfew! But this new coach! He’d kick our ass if we did not cheat. It’s what it’s all about. But I’m not really like that. Why did I go along with it? And, now — this! All I had to do was get vaccinated for Christ’s sake! I wouldn’t even have to tell my friends. Why the hell should I have to tell them? I could’ve just pretended I didn’t. They’d never know. Unless one of them punched me on the arm. Or asked my wife. So what? So what if they found out? It’s still better than being “on” this f***ing ventilator.

“Mr. Roberts? We’re going to have to move you to help prevent your bedsores from getting worse. Okay? You ready?” 

Who knew, thought Bobby, that medical Doctors and not just dentists ask you questions when they know damned well you can’t answer! Why the hell do they do that? I guess it’s a power trip, right? 

That’s right. It’s all about power. There is no good and bad, really. Isn’t that what Voldemort said? But still. Who cares? There is no good and bad, really.

Yet here I lie. Living a lie is what got me here. 

“There we go, Mr. Roberts. Oh by the way, your wife and sons said to wish you a Happy Birthday. See you tomorrow.”

Yet, here I lie. Bob felt as though he were looking into a fog at night, nearly able to make out the strange shape coming toward him, but as it got closer, it remained elusive — almost shy or reclusive. He couldn’t even tell whether it was an angry bear or a very large crazed criminal. He thought, If it isn’t all about power, what else is there? Truth and Love, I suppose. That’s corny. That’s for suckers. 

Now, the odd shape of the truth revealed itself, not as a vague nothingness in the fog but as clear and definite, much like a white rose in the bright summer sunlight. And there it was. Plain as day. And loudly reverberating in his own head. 

“You know the truth, Bob. You and I both know the truth. The real suckers are the ones who put power above Love and Truth. They play the game for Death. So, it is of no great surprise that, as you say, ‘Yet here I lie.’”

Bobby Boy, he thought to himself, you are truly losing it. I need that nurse to bring me a pad of paper. I have to tell people. I have to tell the truth! Before it’s too late! But why would anyone believe me, even on my deathbed. The evil that men do lives after them. Isn’t that what … somebody … Marc Anthony, said? When you lie, no-one believes you even if you do tell the truth. I can’t change my vote now, can I?

The alarm rang, and people heard, and people came, and people did the usual things that people do when one of the over three million COVID patients dies. 

Photo by Prem Pal Singh on Pexels.com

Of course, the misery of a Bobby Boy’s death does not itself end with the death of Bobby Boy. In many cases, there will be more misery after a death than before. I imagine that to be so for Bobby Boy.

Before, his friends and relatives will likely have had hope. After, they will feel grief about Bob. They will feel angry that Bob didn’t care enough about the truth to face the truth and that he instead acted like a damned fool. And a selfish one at that. And, they will be in a spin about what to do next. Their lives have been changed forever and they have no idea yet just how to cope with that fact or even understand the magnitude —  the depth and breadth and width of that massive gaping black hole of a change. And, they will feel loss of the things that they loved about Bob even if he was stupid enough to think power was better. They may not have each thought of it in precisely those same words, but they all felt that about Bob. And, they will feel fear. If this person, still in the prime of life can be struck down, what about the rest of us? Will we ever get back to normal? It’s important to understand in a clearer way than Bob ever did that his allegiance to power over truth did not just cause misery in his own life. It also caused misery in the lives of everyone who cared about him. 

Capeesh?


The Truth Train

The Pandemic Anti-Academic

The Watershed Virus

Maskelessness is not Manliness

Who are the speakers for the dead?

Listen you can hear the echoes of your actions

How the nightingale learned to sing

Where does your loyalty lie?

As gold as it gets

Do unto others

Thrumperdome

How did I get here?

That cold walk home

That first time is so special

The Psychology of Change: Distraction

25 Sunday Apr 2021

Posted by petersironwood in Uncategorized

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Tags

change, distraction, learning, psychology

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Distraction has many impacts, but one, at least in my experience, is that it greatly slows down learning to adapt. 

Here is an example from much earlier in my life, (so you’ll know it’s not primarily an age effect). 

One of my college part-time jobs was as an A/V assistant. It was actually a very cool job, because I got to travel all over the University and show movies or slides in classes in architecture, collagen, aging, genetics, sociology, Shakespeare, etc. I would typically arrive at work and get a “kit” which was basically a small suitcase with whatever A/V equipment was required for a particular gig. On the outside, the supervisor had used a magic marker to write on a piece of masking tape a building number, a room number, and the time I was to be there. Depending on the location, it could take anywhere from 5 to 25 minutes for me to get to a particular location, if I was already familiar with the room. There were maps on campus to show where all the buildings were, but once inside, signage varied tremendously from building to building. Some buildings were laid out logically and some had lots of signage. Some had both. Some had neither. 

When I went to a new location, there were many times I came to T-shaped intersection and had to make a “blind” choice as to which hall led to my assigned room. If, say, I turned right, I might look at the numbers on various classrooms and determine that I had gone the wrong way so I’d turn around and get to the assigned room. What’s interesting is what happened the second time I went to that same room. You might think I would turn left because, after all, a week earlier, I had discovered that I needed a left turn to efficiently reach my goal. If someone had asked me where the room was, I would have known without a doubt. But in the actual moment, that’s not what I did.

Photo by Javon Swaby on Pexels.com



What I actually did when I reached the choice point was turn right, just as I had initially done. I would take a few steps down the wrong hallway and wake up to the fact that I was going the wrong way. And what do you suppose happened the third time I reached that decision point? Would I turn to the left in a nice smooth way? No. I would still turn right. I would begin to take a step to the right and then stop dead in my tracks and turn to the left.

Why had it taken me three tries to learn instead of just once? You may think, “Oh, that’s just the way people are.” I think it would be closer to the truth to say, “Oh, that’s just the way we people are.” That is to say, the culture of hyper-competitiveness keeps most of us, certainly including me, pre-occupied most of our waking hours. Walking on the reasonably well-lit regular corridors of a university campus did not require my full attention. So, my mind was always churning on about something else when I came to the decision point. 

Photo by Markus Spiske on Pexels.com

Of course, that’s just one example. There are many others. I learned at an early age to multi-task. Sometimes, that may be useful to me just as your multi-tasking is sometimes useful to you. But there is at least one important downside. 

You’re being in a constant state of busy-ness makes it harder for you to notice that you need to learn something new and it makes it harder to do something even if you do see the need. If you come to a choice point and make the wrong choice, in many cases, you can figure that out fairly easily — if you’re paying attention. If you cut yourself off from what is really happening, learning, change, adaptation — it all becomes much harder. You can cut yourself off in many ways: alcohol, drugs, being a workaholic — but my favorite is distraction. 

While distraction has it’s pros and cons for me, and likely for you, the constant busy-ness is wonderful for business. They will sell you anything and everything to distract you. But here’s a fun thing to do. 

Take a break.

Concentrate on one thing at a time.

Try it for an hour.

Try it for a day.

Do you really get less done? Do you have more pleasure or less? Do you learn more quickly or more slowly? 

————————————-

Thoughts on gratitude and mindfulness: Corn on the Cob

The Invisibility Cloak of Habit

Essays on America: Wednesday 

Essays on America: Happy Talk Lies

Essays on America: The Update Problem 

How your choices can even influence evolution: Ripples

On Seeing Beyond the Headlines: The Jewels of November 

The Psychology of Change: Children Teach

23 Friday Apr 2021

Posted by petersironwood in Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

change, fiction, stories

Photo by Sharefaith on Pexels.com

In thinking about the psychology of change, one possible approach is look at stories of psychological change. Any specific story may be premised on a thrilling but unrealistic process of change. On the other hand, if we find story after story that presents a particular set of circumstances conducive to change, it may signal that the stories are capturing something fundamental about at least one kind of change, or at the very least, they capture something about the way we believe change occurs. 

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

As a psychologist, many of the movies that move me the most are ones wherein there is fundamental character change. Conversely, movies or shows whose protagonist(s) keep making the same mistakes over and over again to be frustrating. When it comes to character change, in movies, there seem to be several common variants.

Protagonist goes to (hick town, home town, foreign country, war, boot camp, school, etc.) — a novel environment and generally one that the protagonist initially misperceives and/or actively dislikes.

Hick town: Heart of Dixie

Home town: Sweet Home Alabama

Foreign country: Under the Tuscan Sun

War: Full Metal Jacket

Boot Camp: Stripes; Private Benjamin

School: Legally Blond; To Sir, with Love

Beauty Pageant: Miss Congeniality 

In many cases, a child is key to the psychological change of the adult. Perhaps you recognize some of these examples: 

Silas Marner.

A Christmas Carol. 

Finding Forrester. 

I am Sam. 

The Blind Side

The Magic of Belle Isle

Ana

Karate Kid

Matilda

In some cases, the agent of change may be a person with lower status; e.g., a servant as in East of Eden. In other cases, it can even be an animal as in The Call of the Wild. Sometimes, change occurs among multiple characters and from multiple sources as in The Sound of Music. Here, the children help change Maria, help change the Captain while Maria & the Captain also change each other. 

In many cases, the “change” is portrayed, not as purely the accretion of new skills, but as the re-emergence of something that was there all along but needed to be elicited. For instance, in The Magic of Belle Isle, Morgan Freeman is already an accomplished writer, but he hasn’t written anything for awhile, finding solace in a bottle instead. In attempting to help a young girl find her voice as a writer, he rediscovers his own. In many cases, as the mentor or teacher tries to teach a younger person, they often get back in touch with their own (earlier) self. 

Psychotherapy may be viewed as a kind of teaching as well. In Good Will Hunting, for instance, Robin Williams plays the part of therapist working with a brilliant but emotionally damaged young man played by Matt Damon. The therapist manages to open up the angry young man, but at the same time, the patient opens up the therapist to the possibility of having a relationship again. The patient does this by reflecting back to the therapist the very things the therapist is saying in order to open up the patient.  

We see something of a similar kind of process in Akeelah and the Bee. Here, the talented speller, Akeelah gains a tutor in spelling and he teaches her spelling (and many other things as well). But she also re-awakens in her tutor, passionately caring about life. 

Photo by Dana Tentis on Pexels.com

What do these stories seem to be telling us about change in adults? 

  1. For the adults, the change seems to be a re-awakening of something that is there, but hidden beneath defenses that have been erected to shield from pain. 
  2. The conditions for change occur because the adult teacher, to be effective, has to “open up a deep and honest channel of communication.” Though unintended, once that channel is opened, it is a two-way street. The teacher may well have opened up solely for the benefit of the student, but once open, they benefit as well. 
  3. The channel is not just informational; it is empathic; it is emotional. 
  4. Change is contagious. In Akeelah and the Bee, for instance, it isn’t only Akeelah and her tutor who change. So does Akeelah’s mother; so do some of the other kids in the spelling bee; indeed, Akeelah’s entire neighborhood joins in an effort to teach Akeelah. 
  5. Change is not monotonic. As people begin to change, they almost inevitably “backslide” at some point. Good Will Hunting, for instance, begins a relationship with a woman but then tries to sabotage the relationship because he’s terrified she will end it. 
  6. Effective change agents pay attention to what works for that particular person. Akeelah’s tutor, for example, notices that Akeelah uses rhythm when she’s trying to recall how a word is spelled. He doesn’t try to “talk her out of doing that” or “show her a better way.” Instead, he encourages her and introduces a skipping rope to make the rhythm even more of a “whole body” experience. In The Blind Side, the adoptive mother discovers that Michael Oher (a strong, talented athlete) is fiercely loyal and although his nature is gentle — and perhaps too gentle for the violence of football, by having him think of the ball carrier as someone in his family — someone he needs to protect, Michael becomes an extremely good blocker. 

—————————————————

Other posts related to the “Psychology of Change.” 

The Update Problem

What about the butter dish?

How the Nightingale Learned to Sing

Comes the Dawn

Roar, ocean, roar

The jewels of November

The most serious work

Ambition

The Impossible

Peace

Wilbur’s Story

Come back to the light

Who knew good grades are an aphrodisiac

The forest

The teeth of the shark

https://petersironwood.com/2020/07/31/essays-on-america-the-update-problem/
https://petersironwood.com/2020/05/08/what-about-the-butter-dish/
https://petersironwood.com/2020/12/14/how-the-nightingale-learned-to-sing/
https://petersironwood.com/2020/09/09/comes-the-dawn/
https://petersironwood.com/2020/08/17/roar-ocean-roar/
https://petersironwood.com/2020/04/09/the-jewels-of-november/
https://petersironwood.com/2020/03/27/the-most-serious-work/
https://petersironwood.com/2020/03/04/ambition/
https://petersironwood.com/2020/03/05/the-impossible/
https://petersironwood.com/2020/03/07/peace/
https://petersironwood.com/2020/02/19/wilburs-story/
https://petersironwood.com/2021/03/07/come-back-to-the-light/
https://petersironwood.com/2021/03/10/who-knew-good-grades-are-an-aphrodisiac/
https://petersironwood.com/2021/03/12/the-forest/
https://petersironwood.com/2021/03/14/the-teeth-of-the-shark/
https://petersironwood.com/2020/07/31/essays-on-america-the-update-problem/
https://petersironwood.com/2020/05/08/what-about-the-butter-dish/
https://petersironwood.com/2020/12/14/how-the-nightingale-learned-to-sing/
https://petersironwood.com/2020/09/09/comes-the-dawn/
https://petersironwood.com/2020/08/17/roar-ocean-roar/
https://petersironwood.com/2020/04/09/the-jewels-of-november/
https://petersironwood.com/2020/03/27/the-most-serious-work/
https://petersironwood.com/2020/03/04/ambition/
https://petersironwood.com/2020/03/05/the-impossible/
https://petersironwood.com/2020/03/07/peace/
https://petersironwood.com/2020/02/19/wilburs-story/
https://petersironwood.com/2021/03/07/come-back-to-the-light/
https://petersironwood.com/2021/03/10/who-knew-good-grades-are-an-aphrodisiac/
https://petersironwood.com/2021/03/12/the-forest/
https://petersironwood.com/2021/03/14/the-teeth-of-the-shark/

Psychology of Change: Growth, Decay, and Chrysalis.

31 Wednesday Mar 2021

Posted by petersironwood in Uncategorized

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Tags

awarenewss, change, GreenNewDeal, learning, metamorphosis, psychology

Perhaps the “Psychology of Change” is a label that hides too much variation in types to reveal any common patterns. Let me explain. 

First of all, what “works” or what “predicts” change in such diverse situations as: 

  1. One imposed from without by force (as prison inmates, say;) 
  2. Acquired as a child through acceptance of the cultural norms (as is normal);
  3. Enlightenment in an elderly adult through contact with a child (as in Silas Marner, Finding Forrester or Ana).

Photo by Pragyan Bezbaruah on Pexels.com

May well have nothing to do with one another. In addition, the speed of change, and even the acceleration of change, and, yes, possibly even the jerk might have an impact on what happens. Again, consider a few examples.

You are the major breadwinner (by being a bread maker) in your family of four. You are moderately “well off” financially but your business has been going steadily down for the last five years. You could relocate but you all love the private school your kids go to. Finally, your youngest is a senior, so next year, you will relocate to a part of your nation that is growing. 

Photo by Vital1na on Pexels.com

This is no doubt a fairly large change. But, it is also moderately slow. And, not only is it slow; there is only moderate if any acceleration. You will naturally see more details that need to be attended to as the date creeps closer. And, there will be some surprises. But for the most part, the speed and predictability of the change is within your capacity. If you didn’t perceive it to be so, you wouldn’t have decided on the move. 

Now, let’s change things just a bit. Same family of four. Same worsening of conditions. Only now, before your youngest even starts her senior year, COVID 19 strikes. Your business is no longer slowly shrinking. It plummets to the ground. Some people were predicting this might happen months ago, but you chose to listen to the people who said it would all go away. But now is now. You are experiencing much faster and less predictable change. Not only that; the potential magnitude of the change is much greater. Before, you realized it would take time to build your business back up in a new location. But now? You might not even have the wherewithal to survive the next six months, let alone move. And when? And to where? You had a spot all picked out in one of the more trendy and affluent suburbs in Silicon Valley. But now? It’s a hotbed of COVID!

Photo by Uriel Mont on Pexels.com



Are the same things that are important in situation one above the same things that are important in situation two? 

Now, let’s add just a little more to the scenario, but without the COVID19.

As before, you are the major breadwinner (by being a bread maker) in your family of four. You are moderately “well off” financially but your business has been going steadily down for the last five years. You could relocate but you all love the private school your kids go to. Finally, your youngest is a senior, so next year, you will relocate to a part of your nation that is growing. You are on your way to your bakery and the sky grows dark. You worry that it will be pouring down rain just as you make the 50 yard dash to the front door of your bakery.

You need not have worried because the Class Five tornado delivered the front door to a spot only two feet from your normal parking spot. That front door was the largest remaining piece of what had been your grocery store. Your house was also destroyed. And, so was the private school. Luckily, your youngest was unharmed. Not so luckily, your other child and your spouse were killed in the storm along with 73 others in the area. 

We all have the intuition that this person will make the most profound changes, but in what way? Of course, nearly anyone would be in complete shock for a time and not know what to do. But then what? It seems equally likely that the person would:

A. Decide that life is absurd and it’s out to destroy you and the only way to protect yourself is drink like a fish. And, the child’s better off somewhere else.

B. Decide that life is absurd and it’s out to destroy you and the only way to protect yourself is to never love again.  And, the child’s better off somewhere else.

Of course, A and B are not mutually exclusive. They often go together.

C. You decide that life may end at any time and that the most important thing in life is to enjoy every moment. And, that means, among other things, spending a lot of time with your remaining family & friends. 

D. You decide that service to others is the most important thing in life and you and your child both eventually become involved in a UN project to show people how to bake more nutritious bread.



There are endless possibilities of course. And, they are not fixed outcomes. The person may decide that life may end at any time and that the most important thing in life is to enjoy every moment — and to spend time with friends and then — three years later —- take path A or D instead. 

As someone trained in “Experimental Psychology,” my disciplinary reflex is to try to identify parameters and try to relate conditions of change to results in terms of outcome as a function of those parameters. 

Perhaps, however, a better approach is more like the Periodic Table. Rather than an “infinite variety”, it might be true that most cases fall into one of several dozen categories. Each category is basically a theme or premise for a story which we relate to precisely because they are common “types” of change. 

Examples might include:

 “Situation slowly deteriorates and protagonist makes adjustment.” 


“A natural disaster destroys much (or all) of what the protagonist loves and they must create a whole new life.” 

“Situation slowly deteriorates, and in turn, the protagonist engages in ever more self-destructive behavior, making the situation worse and eventually resulting in disaster.”

“Situation slowly deteriorates, and in turn, the protagonist engages in ever more self-destructive behavior, making the situation worse and eventually resulting in — enlightenment followed by a complete turn-around.” 

And so on. 

—————————————————-

Essays on America: Wednesday 

The Invisibility Cloak of Habit

The Update Problem 

How the Nightingale Learned to Sing

Take a Glance; Join the Dance

Who Knew Good Grades are an Aphrodisiac?

10 Wednesday Mar 2021

Posted by petersironwood in Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

captology, change, development, maturity, persuasion, psychology, story

——————————

I’ve been thinking a lot about the psychology of change lately. For one thing, it’s quite relevant to the pivot projects (https://pivotprojects.org) 

I thought it would be fun to write a series of blog posts on experiences of personal change, either as a student, as a teacher, or more commonly, neither. It would be even more fun if readers shared a bit about their experiences of psychological change. Wouldn’t it be to everyone’s benefit if we understood the general principles of psychological change so that we can do a better job adapting to this ever-changing world? So, think of the example below as just “my turn.” And, then, it will be your turn. 

When I was in “Junior High School,” I was interested in some parts of school and not so much in others. I didn’t care about my grades but they were okay because at that point, I had a very good memory. And, then, one day near the end of eighth grade, I happened upon a book in our library that said good grades were important because — guess what? 

You’ll get into college? Nope. 

That you’ll get a better paying job? Nope. 

This book claimed a reward much more meaningful than either of those were at that point in my life. It claimed that if a guy got good grades, he’d be liked by the girls! Here was a secret formula to success with girls. All I had to do was get good grades!

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

It did not even occur to me at the time that this claim probably had zero data behind it. It was likely written to induce guys to get good grades. I honestly don’t even think it said anything about what it meant for girls to get good grades. However, that may have been because the book was titled and aimed solely at boys. Of course, it could simply be the rampant sexism that is with us still — (sigh) — like that one guest who you know is about to barf on your rug because they’ve had too much to drink, and they live next door and they’re being obnoxious and you really just wish your neighbor would head home but they don’t. Instead, they stay until they disgust and insult everyone, barf on the carpet, then start screaming at you for serving cheap wine. That guest is what continued sexism & misogyny is like for most us. It’s also what all the other superiority BS is like for most of us. 

Photo by Anna Tarazevich on Pexels.com

I had no such consciousness at the time. I just remember reading it and feeling as though I had discovered something akin to “The Fountain of Youth” or “El Dorado.” What’s amazing is that reading something in a book altered my behavior immediately and in a way that lasted for years. Getting girls to like me. That was a motivation that I could tie into. I think because getting girls was also tied into competition, it also changed me so that I viewed getting the best grades as winning. I already liked to win! Oh, yes. I was competitive. Overly competitive. But I had never thought of grades in school as any kind of competition. I got my grades based on how well I did and you got your grades based on how well you did. The two had been, in my mind, completely unrelated events. 

Until I read that passage. 

How many people did that passage impact? For me, even if it wasn’t based on any real data, it had a positive impact. I got good grades and I did have wonderful girlfriends. I got praise from my classmates too. I didn’t ever really feel the envy & hate portrayed in so many modern movies about high school. Maybe I was just too busy studying to notice. 

I wonder if the same passage could have impacted some people’s lives negatively? Maybe someone read that and they just found out that they had gotten their girlfriend pregnant. They might have read such a passage and thought it was a cruel irony. Or, perhaps they were gay. Or, maybe they had a learning disability and were already working their tail off to keep a C average. 

And, I suppose that the majority of kids my age who read it might have known it was BS from the git-go. On them, it had little or no effect.

Even if I am the only one to have ever taken it seriously, it is pretty remarkable nonetheless that my behavior could be pushed into a new state simply by reading a sentence or two in a book.  

See? There is hope for humanity!  

Photo by Johannes Plenio on Pexels.com

————————————————————-

This essay describes some of the blockages to change; in particular, what is sometimes called “cognitive dissonance” In general, our decisions, unlike those of classical economic theory, are path-dependent. https://petersironwood.com/2019/07/18/essays-on-america-wednesday/

This post talks about how our habits can be so strong that we literally do not see what is right in front of us. https://petersironwood.com/2017/02/25/the-invisibility-cloak-of-habit/

The link here is to thoughts on how hard it is to face up to realizing that we’ve been fooled.
https://petersironwood.com/2020/06/28/essays-on-america-happy-talk-lies/

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