NEWSFLASH: BREAKING NEWS!
(AI generated image)
The Mayor of FaceGook, Dark Suckaberg, has announced that the City of FaceGook will no longer be wasting money on such trivialities as sewage treatment plants or proving clean drinking water to the netizens of FaceGook. In his press briefing today, Suckaberg said, “After all, who is to say whether urine and feces are bad or good for people? I heard somewhere that urine has antiseptic properties and that sometimes, autoimmune diseases of the intestines can be treated with feces. And, hasn’t excrement been used as fertilizer for centuries? The last thing we need is for so-called “experts” or “moderators” to decide what’s good or bad for people. Why waste tax dollars on such authoritarian excesses?”
(Image generated with AI)
Asked whether these changes would result in lower taxes, Suckaberg replied, “Of course! We’ll save tons of money so we will lower taxes on the rich, which, as everyone knows, makes everyone more successful. The money that has up to now been wasted on clean drinking water will instead be channeled toward more productive water sports. My tech bros and I will be launching an exciting program to design and build an undersea luxury submarine designed to cross under the South Pole.”
A reporter from Huffing&Puffing Post asked a follow up query. “How will you take a sub under the South Pole? The North Pole was water covered with ice. There was water underneath. But the South Pole…”
Suckaberg waved his hands to dispel the bad vibes. “On August 3rd, 1958, an atomic sub first completed an underwater transit of the North Pole. Our goal is to do the same for the South Pole on August 3rd, 2028 to mark the 150th anniversary of the event.”
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Another reporter, this time from the Washington Postage Rubber Stamp seemed fixated on the same irrelevant issue. “It’s solid rock down below the South Pole. You can’t just take a sub through it.”
Suckaberg arranged his facial muscles in a well-trained imitation of a smile. “Debbie downer! That’s why no-one pays attention any more to the main scream press. So negative! Why would someone make a North Pole of water and a South Pole of land. That makes no sense whatsoever. They are literally polar opposites. So, obviously, they are the same. Geez. But even if that were true, we could simply add one of EM’s Big Bad Drill Baby Drills to the front and drill our own damned hole if the designers were too stupid to put one there—which I seriously doubt, by the way. Anyway, let’s not get off track. This is only one way we’ll improve the lives of every netizen of FaceGook. We’ll also be saving money by privatizing police and fire services for FaceGook. Instead of the notoriously inefficient public police and fire departments, we’ll let each netizen provide their own individualized police and fire services. Much more profitable. After all, if one of your mansions is being robbed, wouldn’t you pay a pretty penny to stop the burglar cold? Or, if it were being burned to the ground, wouldn’t you pay an even prettier penny to prevent that?”
(Imagine above mis-generated by AI)
Suckaberg could see there were still frowns upon the faces of some of the reporters. One seemed to be checking a calculator. And, many were impolitely waving their hands and shouting questions. He thought, What the hell do these people think a press briefing is anyway?” But, being the good sport he was, Suckaberg said, “I’ll answer one more question.” He glanced at his wrist pretending there was an Apple Watch there. “I don’t want to be late for a rocket launch. Now, how about you there?”
He pointed to a random dude in the crowd who happened to be from the New York Chimes In. The man asked the stupidest question yet; viz., “Do you think the netizens of FaceGook will appreciate these changes? Do they have any say?”
Suckaberg guffawed so hard he nearly wet himself. “I own the whole damned thing. I get to do whatever the hell I want. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about the netizens of FaceGook. I think about what’s best for them. I am giving them freedom to test their own drinking water and the freedom to put whatever they want in the reservoir. They don’t have to put toxic wastes or human waste in the reservoir if they don’t want to. But, as the saying goes, ‘What’s a gander that gooses two in the bush?’ That’s it for now.” With that, Suckaberg, turned on his heel and slid behind a grey curtain leaving some of the audience to wonder how these changes would impact the value of the real estate in FaceGook.
One woman mumbled to the reporter next to her, “He may own it, but how much would it really be worth without any netizens contributing their time and effort?”
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