The Happy Raven and the Angry Golfer

{Translator’s Note: As a long-time observer and sometime discussion partner with the neighborhood ravens; as an amateur golfer; and as a professional psychologist — I thought it might be helpful to serve as a translator of dialogues. Our garden abuts a fairway, and the cart path is right outside our fence. As such, more than a few golf balls find their way into the garden. I myself have been known to miss an occasional fairway and hit the ball out of bounds. 

It’s “winter” in San Diego. While “winter” is often synonymous with “bad weather” in many parts of the country, that is not so for San Diego. Today was mild, dry, and largely sunny. Like many other “winter” days in San Diego, it’s actually a perfect day for playing golf. It was in this context that I overheard the following conversation between a Happy Raven and an Angry Golfer. The dialogue is shown in plain font and the translations appear in brackets.

“Caw. Caw. Caw.” [Good morning! Beautiful day! What’s up?]

“Oh, crap! Where’s my f#cking ball? God Damn it!” [I must have pulled it out of bounds again.]

“Caw. CAW! Caw.” [Good morning! Sometimes stuff happens! Enjoy the day!]

“I’ll just drop a ball near where it went out and hit from there.” [I cheat.] 

“Caw! CAW!! Caw! CAW!!” [You hit it OB. That’s not a lateral water hazard. You have to re-tee. You should be hitting three off the tee.]

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“I’ll just kick it out onto the fairway to speed up play.” [I cheat a lot. But when I do, I rationalize it as being in everyone’s interests.]

“CAW! CAW!! CAW!!! Caw.” [It’s not really golf if you’re cheating.]

“You up in the tree! Shut up! Shut up!” [You’re just a stupid bird. I’m a human! Shut up and let me concentrate on my next shot!]

“Caw. Caw. CAW! Caw.” [Good morning. Beautiful day. Embrace the day! Enjoy.]

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“SHUT UP! Hush! Tricky to hit a three-wood that far, but a perfect shot would put me on the green. Elbow straight. Don’t cast from the top. Relax your hands. Keep your head down. Here we go. SH#T! You f#cking bird! You made me pull it over the fence again! I’ll have to go drop it again down there.” [I not only cheat; I cheat repeatedly and I like to blame others for my own mistakes.]

“Caw! Caw! Caw!” [Own up to your mistakes. Otherwise, how will you ever learn to fly right?]

“Mind your own damned business! You ruined my shots! I’m taking a Mulligan!” [I cheat and I blame others for my mistakes. But I don’t care. What I really enjoy is getting angry.]

“Caw. Caw. Caw.” [Good morning! Beautiful day! Enjoy!] 

{Translator’s Note: It’s a good thing humans were smart enough to name our species Homo sapiens. Otherwise, the rest of the animal kingdom would never know that we humans are the wisest ones on the planet.}


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